If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
