So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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