We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
