I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
