The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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