Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
