And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
