he wants to bone in the snuggie
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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