Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
