How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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