When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
