I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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