My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
