Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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