the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
