my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
