I just cut my nipple shaving
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
