Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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