Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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