Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
