I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
