failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
