That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
