I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
