remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
