Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
