If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
