it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
