I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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