Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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