saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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