shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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