Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
