Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
