Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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