I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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