Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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