whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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