Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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