i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
