Having a random hookup so left but love u
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
