There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
