I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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