First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
