This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
