I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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