Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I looked at my own cervix.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
