I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
