I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
