Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I want her autograph on my taint
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There are leaves in my underwear?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I woke up under a house in Key West
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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