Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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