I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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